10 Things that Make You a Wanker in Wrestling

Your helpful reference to becoming extremely unpopular in the locker room. Try them all!

1. Thinking you’re too good to help out

You’re such a superstar that setting up or tearing down the ring is beneath you. That’s for the lower card talent and the guys who haven’t made their debut yet! You’re too good for that. Time to head out for drinks with friends and fans right after the show and be the centre of attention.

2. Undercutting at the merch booth

Here in Singapore, wrestlers establish the market price backstage for our T-shirts and other merchandise. But screw that spirit of cooperation. Why not drive a bit more revenue by undercutting the other idiots? Don’t waste time on locker room etiquette when you can cop a few more sales on your discount bin brand.

3. Being a rapey creep

Superstar perks: Did you know you’re entitled to the bodies of other wrestlers and fans? No means yes. Yes means yes. Everything means yes. So help yourself to a sexual release, because we know they want it, especially from you. Your prey is gullible enough to believe you alone can control their career with sex.

4. Humblebragging on social media

You’ve worked hard for your achievements, so make sure your fans and peers know it. But be ostensibly modest, you can’t possibly let them assume you’re letting your success get to your head! Tell them how life sucks but you can’t believe you’re having it this good. Showing off in a roundabout way is how to do it.

5. Bullying the new guys

In your day, you had to do this, you had to do that, you had it 10 times worse! And therefore, you’ve paid your dues. So, the rookies have gotta experience exactly what you went through. How else will they learn the ropes of this business? Wear your insecurity like a badge of honour and haze those fools into the ground.

6. Hogging the limelight

When planning a match with your opponent, get them to make you look good. Book it such that you can showcase all your unnecessarily complicated indy shit at their expense. Keep it one-sided though, it makes you look tough. That’s the goal. Don’t return the favour of sharing the spotlight. It’s all about you.

7. Making excuses

Everybody detests a guy who can be held accountable. If you messed up, an ensuing apology is guaranteed career suicide. Blame the other guy, blame the ring, blame the weather. Those things need to improve, not you. Never you! That way you can maintain your immaculate, infallible image.

8. Indulging in toxic behaviour

Gossiping is a great way to bond with your equally unambitious and insignificant mates. Blackballing puts the promising talent back in their place underneath you. Creating drama makes you relevant among those who are minding their own business. Who wants a peaceful, non-toxic environment anyway? It’s so boring!

9. Virtue Signalling

Express fashionable opinions to demonstrate the goodness of your character to your fans. Doesn’t matter if you’re a shitty person, so long as you publicly declare your trendy and morally correct perspective. Between getting social media engagements and actually changing the world, the former is far superior. Go champ!

10. Ripping off someone else

Fast-track your way to success by imitating your more successful competition! Compensate for your lack of originality and self-respect with intensely sincere flattery, whenever you copy without shame. This is how you can firmly dedicate yourself to the number 2 spot, while reserving the gold for your idols.

The Ladykiller is a 2-time international wrestling champion and co-founder of Southeast Asia’s #1 pro wrestling school, Grapple MAX. Based in Singapore.

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